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For many people, Facebook Messenger has become their go-to method of communication. But some folks still find Messenger confusing. It's sometimes unwieldy, especially if you're looking for a message from weeks ago and you just can't find it. Here's how to.

TIFU by logging into my wife's facebook account.

We've been together for over 6 years and married for over 3. I've never done this before. I've never had a reason to. I don't condone it. I think it's chickenshit. I think it shows my overall lack of self confidence. I can't take it back now.

We had a turbulent beginning. She left me for almost a year, got engaged, and then said she realized she wouldn't be happy unless she spent her life with me. I felt the same way, and still do. I work long hours at my job. Never done anything else. She had a dream of being a nurse. I told her I'd make it happen. 2 kids and LPN school later, we still found ourselves leading hectic lives with odd schedules. I tried to tell her things would change. That we wouldn't always make love on the 18th green of the local golf course. That a time would come where we wouldn't stay up every night until 3:00 am talking about everything, and nothing. She's read too many books. Watched too many movies. I tried to tell her. I tried to prepare her.

A guy started randomly commenting on her status updates. She quit tagging me in her picture uploads. She started posting vague music quotes that didn't really pertain to us. We don't make love near as much as we used to. We go to bed at different times. She tells me she loves me and that she is happy but she needs more from me. I'm trying really really hard. She hasn't found her job in the nursing field yet so I'm sole breadwinner on a commission only income that is feast or famine. I have a lot on my plate. Sometimes I get emotionally detached. We have discussed it, and she knows I'm really working on it.

I don't know what to do but I do know it will never be the same. And not because of her. Because of me. This breached every bit of trust I told her I had in her. I'm not sure how to handle things, I just know I fucked up.

572 comments share save hide 93% Upvoted This thread is archivedNew comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be castSort bybest

best top new controversial old q&a Cow_k 96 points · 4 years ago

I know you don't want to hear it, but it might already be too late for you. I married young (really young, 18). 3 years later I ended up doing something similar to you because things were going exactly as you described them with the sleeping at different hours and that overall feeling of disconnectedness. I found similar correspondence with another dude and I fell the floor fall out from under me. She had told me she was going to go on a trip to California with her sister in a few months; turned out that the trip was just an excuse to go see this guy.

So, I confronted her and it turned out like you'd expect. She blamed me for spying into her private correspondence and pushed me away farther. She claimed that this was all my fault despite the fact that I'd been the one who was faithful, and though we'd been distant I still tried my best to be a good husband. We fought about it a lot because obviously the trust in our marriage had been destroyed. At my worst, I flew off the handle one night when I picked up the phone and a strange guy on the other end asked for her and then hung up when I asked who it was. In the end, one night she grabbed some of her things and walked out the door.

I was devastated for years, but thinking back, once that initial infidelity had begun, there was no going back. I was hurt and she used it as an excuse to further push the gulf between us and that was that. If a woman is going far enough to flirt with another man that heavily, I can guarantee she's already courting ideas of an exit strategy right now, even if she isn't fully committed yet. Since you have children involved, I recommend confronting her but trying your best to keep your head. She took my anger and hurt and turned it against me and ended up making me look and feel like a fool.

You really have to realize that you're not the one who did anything wrong in this situation. Everyone goes through hard times and as a man who has now been re-married, happily, for almost 10 years, I can guarantee you that someone who really loves you will stick by your side through temporary problems as long as you're willing to work on it (in my case, my wife put up with almost 2 years of severe anxiety issues triggered by my first marriage and constant symptoms that have never really gone away). I blamed myself for years. Unless you're not telling us something, you have nothing to apologize for. I'm sure you're trying your utmost best. She sounds like she's already giving up.

shareSave astro_muffin 5 points · 4 years ago

How did you start to move past the anxiety and fear? It's been two years (divorced one), and now I'm engaged to someone amazing, but my past HAUNTS me. I can't trust, I can't believe, I can't forgive myself even though it wasn't really my fault. My self-esteem and self-worth are almost non-existent. Logic vs. emotion, I guess.

shareSave Cow_k 3 points · 4 years ago

My journey to get past my anxiety has been a long and painful one and to this day isn't really over. It's more something that you have to learn how to live with rather than ever truly be cured from if you have major anxiety like I do.

Initially, things got so bad for me that I had to completely move away from my home state (I literally just hopped in a car and drove around the nation until I found a place to live that looked nice). Everywhere at home I went had some sort of emotional attachment that I couldn't shake. It's a little better now, but I still don't really enjoy visiting my parents that much due to this. The move helped for a short while, but it wasn't enough.

A year or so later, I was hit with bad depression again (I was married again at this point). It got to the point where I couldn't sleep at night and my motivation to do pretty much anything was destroyed. My wife stood by me as I slept on the couch (so I could leave the tv on which helped calm me) for many months. Finally, one day after a particularly bad break down, I talked to my wife and told her that there was something more wrong with me. I felt over my ex, I had built back up a good life that honestly made me happy, but I was still having panic attacks nearly every day. We decided my only choice at that point was to go see a doctor. I decided a psychologist wasn't going to help much because I completely understood my problem and even rational thought wasn't helping me (I have since seen a therapist but it honestly did nothing for me).

In the end, I tried anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. It was honestly like flipping a switch in my brain. Suddenly, none of the things I had been panicking about for the last few years mattered anymore. I was happier and my frustration levels which would lead to moments of easily expressed anger just fell right off. I'm still on the medication after about 5 years, but it has been a huge help to me and my wife claims that it's made some of the stress in our marriage nearly disappear.

That's not to claim that anti-anxiety medication is a cure all. I have gone off for various reasons and the anxiety tends to come back and the medication itself has some side-effects which are not fun at all (in my case, it's hard to maintain an erection without assistance while on the medication). Sometimes I get frustrated that I have to choose the lesser evil in order to be mostly happy, but when I look at my 7 month old son's face, I realize that I've made the correct choice in keeping my anxiety at bay.

TL;DR: The first step for me was realizing that my anxiety was controlling me and that I was powerless in the face of it and sought help.

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The post takes an overall tone of "I never thought I'd end up being that guy..."

It works but it's unhealthy to use as your "go-to" method.

shareSave [deleted]5 points · 4 years ago

He snooped for a reason though, not randomly. I doubt most stop and frisk is completely random.

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Arealperson21 2 points · 4 years ago

I am with you.

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[deleted]184 points · 4 years ago

lawyer

gym

shareSave teakwood54 38 points · 4 years ago

Delete her facebook.

shareSave default_alt_yay 1 point · 4 years ago

Not possible. Unfortunately.

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[deleted]15 points · 4 years ago

Words from Jesus himself. Amen brother and/or sister not really sure due to name.

shareSave SKiscrying 7 points · 4 years ago

I'm not positive that Jesus knew what a gym was.

shareSave tokewithnick 24 points · 4 years ago

you sure about that?

shareSave SKiscrying 4 points · 4 years ago

lol i'm not but i'm sure that's hilarious and you're awesome

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endprism 9 points · 4 years ago

Hit the lawyer. Gym up.

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Comment deleted 4 years ago (28 children) rabidsnowman 58 points · 4 years ago

Whether you expect divorce or not, DO THIS NOW. Protect yourself now while you can. Consider it as insurance...you don't get insurance because you expect the worst to happen, you get it so you're not completely screwed if it does.

shareSave whoosierdaddy 96 points · 4 years ago

Because people can be really shitty, this isn't bad advice. Don't fool yourself OP, being stabbed in the back is terrible and you deserve to be prepared for it.

shareSave [deleted]20 points · 4 years ago

Seriously OP. Do this

shareSave windingdreams 39 points · 4 years ago

yes .

shareSave actuallawyer33 6 points · 4 years ago

If he lives in the US then alimony is not based on fault. Alimony is based on income and support in a marriage. This is why many more men than women get "screwed" legally (even if you remove the bias that is still prevalent in many state courts) because there are many more divorcing families where the husband is the breadwinner. Which means that the reasons for the divorce have no consequence on alimony, and he is in an unfortunate situation since she is unemployed and he had been supporting her.

Now in situations where you have custody battles or prenuptial agreements with clauses regarding fault it could be useful information, but as sometime else pointed out already it will be useless if he didn't have the right to login (court won't use evidence obtained wrongfully) and there is even potential for negative consequences if he "broke in" to her account.

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maliciousa 2 points · 4 years ago

In some states, logging into someone's Facebook or other social networking accounts is illegal.

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[deleted]39 points · 4 years ago

She responds to "Run away with me" with "I wish I could" to another dude, and you're going to stand for that shit?

...

shareSave Ed-0510 12 points · 4 years ago

I think this pretty much sums it up for me.

Get a grip OP, what your significant other is doing vastly outweighs you checking her Facebook out. There were reasons and changes within your relationship which caused you to feel the need to go searching. Like you said you found what you feared you'd find, which to me seems like you knew on some level.

Be strong in your convictions, don't let this whole scenario get brushed under the rug because you're scared of what she will say about your Facebook snooping, that's not the major issue here...

shareSave SKiscrying 3 points · 4 years ago

In fairness, "I wish I could" is not the same as "okay, yes." I think that a lot of people in this thread are lying to themselves about human nature. Sometimes a person gets overwhelmed and has fantasies... this statement in itself isn't damning and may not even BE a fantasy. You don't have any context for her ACTUAL relationship with this person.

shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

He could simply ask "is the reason you wish you could run away with this douche fixable?" Just get right to the point. Is she coasting, waiting for an excuse to bolt or is it a relationship lull and just fantasizing?

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LlamaTheBountyHunter 2 points · 4 years ago

I'm with you on this one. People get carried away, their judgment becomes cloudy because of recent failures and hardships. There are a billion factors to consider here, and talking about something on FB and actually doing something are two entirely different things. She was distressed, under a lot of pressure (unemployed) and possibly disillusioned with marriage and family life; we all WISH we could sail away into the sunset with a hot girlfriend/boyfriend, but reality is just not that easy.

shareSave [deleted]391 points · 4 years ago

I have been in almost the same situation, but engaged not married. You definitely need to own up to having snooped. Apologize sincerely but then insist that once she has calmed down, she needs to talk to you about what's going on. Explain the things that made you snoop (the lack of tagging pictures, less sex, etc). If she needs a few hours or a day to calm down and think, give her that but do NOT let her off the hook for explaining.

The thing that worries me most about her exchange is that she sent a picture of your son. Usually, with any kind of cheating (physical, emotional, etc) children are kept out of it until things progress to a serious level. If she already feels comfortable sending a picture of her husbands child to another man, that's a giant red flag.

My relationship didn't survive cheating. Once I caught him out he admitted that he had an emotional affair going on and promised to end it. It ended, but 3 months later she showed up in town and convinced him to sleep with her. I called things off.

You may still be able to save the relationship, but you need a serious and firm commitment from her that she wants this to work, and is willing to make it work. I would recommend suggesting a shared Facebook account so there can't be secrets OR snooping, and probably some counselling.

If you were already warning her from the beginning of the relationship that things wouldn't be all dreamy forever, it sounds that perhaps she isn't very mature and that you probably already knew that. Some serious, adult discussion is needed.

Good luck good luck...go in with honesty, apologize first, and be firm in getting an explanation.

shareSave whoosierdaddy 54 points · 4 years ago

A shared facebook account will do nothing. The other person can use other avenues of communication if they want to. Do not be naive.

shareSave Lurkalo 17 points · 4 years ago

This is totally true. My wife and I have separate facebook profiles. Neither of us have an ounce of distrust between us. Trust trust trust - you spend years earning it and can lose it in seconds. It is fragile. Handle it with care people.

shareSave Nomiss 6 points · 4 years ago

If there were pics mentioned that weren't in the outbox, it's blatantly obvious there are other avenues.

You can't delete FB PMs like you can public messages.

shareSave BaadKitteh 5 points · 4 years ago

Yes, you can; you just have to go into your archive to do it.

shareSave macaroni_veteran 30 points · 4 years ago

I like all of this advice but the shared facebook account. I don't want to read all of my partner's daily chats with his/her friends. Moreover, I think it makes it feel more imposing for people to contact you. Perhaps facebook accounts with shared passwords and agreed-upon checking up?

shareSave whoosierdaddy 28 points · 4 years ago · edited 4 years ago

I also disagree with the shared facebook account. People will use other avenues of communication to hide things from people if they want to. An agreed-upon checking up will do the same thing a shared facebook account does: nothing.

shareSave ApathyOrIgnorance 27 points · 4 years ago

How about....delete facebook?

shareSave ricksmorty 15 points · 4 years ago · edited 4 years ago

Man, if someone's going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Facebook or not. Having to delete the profile would make me feel like I'm dating some snotty teenager that I have to babysit. That's why trust is so important. And why, if someone is willing to breach it, especially for something as trivial as a self esteem boost, they aren't worth the time of day. My husband spent five years waiting for me to come back from Europe, and didn't so much as go on a date in my absence. Some people have the best relationships in the world, and still stray. I think whether or not you're a cheater is, in a sense, a predetermined thing. Not everyone is capable of long term, monogamous attachment. You either will cheat, or you won't. OP now has to define in his own heart and mind what constitutes as cheating , and decide what he can live with. If I felt I had to start deleting profiles and block site access to certain things to keep my s.o. in line, I'd have to seriously reconsider whether the relationship is worth having.

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ashura2k 8 points · 4 years ago

Seems like agreed-upon checking up doesn't really address the root of the problem, which is lack of trust. If your SO doesn't want to be communicative with you about issues they're having and knows you can check their facebook at any moment, they just won't use facebook for the messaging, or just take steps cover their tracks. I mean, once the facebook thing is agreed upon how long would that satiate your fears for?

shareSave bronze4lyf 9 points · 4 years ago

Or you know, you could be like any other trusting couple and have your own facebook accounts without knowing or feeling like you need to know your other half's password

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SKiscrying 5 points · 4 years ago

Don't stalk your lover if you want to have a healthy relationship. Trust isn't about monitoring people, it's about trusting them.

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stratagem_ 80 points · 4 years ago · edited 4 years ago

This is the most level headed advice I've ever read on the internet that so perfectly fit the situation. I couldn't have said it better. I was literally reading this thinking about what I was going to say but then I read it from you.

Edit: figure it out.

shareSave [deleted]22 points · 4 years ago

Oh wow, thank you so much! Experience is a hard teacher, but I learned my lesson and hopefully can help someone else through a difficult situation as well. I am a firm believer in love and committment, but it HAS to be coming from both sides. One person alone cannot make a relationship work, but two is a force to be reckoned with.

Thanks so much for your kind words!

shareSave huggledump 8 points · 4 years ago

Couldn't have said it better

FTFY

shareSave kingsal 6 points · 4 years ago

Couldn't've

FTFY

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keyilan 5 points · 4 years ago

Oh get over it already. If you knew what they meant well enough to correct them, you knew what they meant well enough.

Why is "couldn't of" so bothersome to you yet you missed the mis-spelling of "advice"? If you're going to be an annoying pedant about people's language use on Reddit, at least be a consistent pedant.

shareSave daytonatrbo 2 points · 4 years ago

Because this is extremely confusing to non-native speakers.

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sir_ramen 3 points · 4 years ago

This is so much better, and less expensive then couples therapy.

shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

Haha, well thanks, but I do still recommend counselling :)

shareSave [deleted]5 points · 4 years ago

You may still be able to save the relationship, but you need a serious and firm commitment from her that she wants this to work, and is willing to make it work.

If his story is accurate, then every indicator points to this not being possible. Those of us who have been around know this woman's personality and she will tell him whatever lies she needs to tell him in order to keep doing what she wants to do. Just like any cheating man or woman, it's hard to teach them morals once they reach adulthood.

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WPBDoc 140 points · 4 years ago

Checking someone's Facebook is not equal to having an emotionally inappropriate relationship with someone who is not your spouse.

It's for this reason that my wife and I share our usernames and passwords. If we don't have anything to hide, it won't be a problem. If we are accountable to each other, the temptation goes away as soon as we remember that we are accountable. Easy-peasy.

shareSave [deleted]7 points · 4 years ago

but does she know your reddit username?

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DrHolland 8 points · 4 years ago

It seems you are stating that your relationship exists through means of verification, not trust. Was this a conscious decision on both of your parts and did you start your relationship like this or was trust lost at some point?

shareSave Valleyoan 22 points · 4 years ago

I'm with you on this. Everything from log ins to text messages, everything is transparent between my so and I. I've been cheated on in previous relationships and my current was aware of the potential lack-of-trust flare-ups, and has been amazing to me in her willingness to be as open as possible. I trust her and love her but sometimes old wounds can still hurt when touched the wrong way..so when one of us triggers the others insecurities we make sure to try and lay all our cards out on the table and communicate to the best of our abilities. Communication is the key to trust.

shareSave SKiscrying 8 points · 4 years ago

If we don't have anything to hide

Ehh... if it's an excuse that doesn't fly for a police officer, it definitely isn't going to fly for my SO.

shareSave Theoriginalamam 6 points · 4 years ago

The desire for privacy isn't the same thing as an admission of guilt or that you have something to hide. You're absolutely right.

shareSave BaadKitteh 3 points · 4 years ago

It is entirely possible for me to have a discussion with someone that my husband should not have access to, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me being dishonest; when your friends confide in you. they are not confiding in your SO and if you're one of those people who tells your SO all your friends' secrets, you're a shithead.

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[deleted]6 points · 4 years ago

Except usually your SO isn't trying to search you for drugs or put you on a watch list for reading socialist literature.

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Alabama_Redneck 17 points · 4 years ago

Let me get this straight. You are the only income in the house, she doesn't work and hasn't found ANY kind of nursery work in 6 years, she claims she needs more from you and she is half-cheating. Why the fuck do you feel guilty? Leave. Now.

shareSave plarpco 108 points · 4 years ago

Couples therapy. It sounds like it hasn't gone too far, so see if you can fix it.

shareSave floatingforward 36 points · 4 years ago

This. It sounds like you guys are on the brink, but at least for your son's sake, go to therapy and take care of this. It's not too late. You've both made mistakes but it doesn't sound beyond repair.

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MythTestament 77 points · 4 years ago

This happened to my wife and I as well. I hope hearing what happened to us eases your strife.

We have been married for six years, I was not always the white knight, and I am still working on getting the armor grey. We were in a bad situation, neither one of us were working, three kids to raise and cherish, and a marriage that neither of us knew if we wanted anymore.

She was fed up with my bs, and I was done with her whining attitude of woe is me. I came home one day and my things were packed outside the door waiting on me. I moved in with my brother and his room-mate across town. I went over to our home every other day if not every day to see our children and make sure she had what she needed. We talked online at night and were trying to work things out.

This continued for several months. Finally she told me I could come back home and we could work things out from there. I didnt know what to do or how to do it. None of our children were in school at the time, and while we were working things out over the interwebs things got heated between me and an old flame.

Now before everyone in the comments screams that we are married and I was cheating I didnt do this alone, she was also talking to her ex from HS.

Anyway I moved back in and things were okay for the first couple of weeks, we had our spats and our out right fights. We had both made the decision to see other ppl at this point but we were going to try to work it out for the children and for one another. We agreed that we would never bring someone else to our home, we would always go out with our business.

One night we are going to make dinner when she remembers we are out of something and has to go to the store, literally a 3 min walk from our home. While she is out a FB message pops up on her screen from a mutual friend of ours. I sit down at the computer tell him its me and that my wife will be back in a few min.

Speed ahead two days. She asks me how my "friend" is doing and I tell her fine. Then my mouth oversteps my brain and asks her "So how is "mutual FB friend" in bed?" She laughs it off and says that they are not like that....

Couple hours after that I confront her about it. Tell her that a message popped up on the laptop while she was at the store, the whole nine yards. She blows up at me about not trusting her, and how its a difficult time and that she needs someone who knows her and all the normal things upset women say. I understood she needed time and walked away.

Sitting outside on the porch that night I learned something very interesting to me. I really LOVE this woman. Not like the other women who I have been talking to or have been with in the past. I TRULY LOVE my wife. I go back inside and get on my computer, I message the two women I have been talking to and tell them that its over. My wife and I have worked it out and that I am sorry but I wont be seeing them anymore. I didnt tell my wife this, I wanted to watch and see if she caught on.

She asks me a few days later why I have always been at the house and why I am not talking to anyone online anymore. I just smile and keep on gaming. She asks me a couple of hours later same questions. I look at her and tell her I love her completely and if we are going to make this work I need to be focused on her, not everything else. She is taken aback a bit and starts crying. She comes clean about our mutual FB friend and says she is sorry.

Three years later and we are still stone solid as a couple.

I dont know if anything I have told you helps your situation, makes you wonder, or makes you remember the times you have had. I just wanted you to know that there are others out here that have lived it and come through maybe not unscathed but in tact.

shareSave [deleted]46 points · 4 years ago

Jesus it wasn't looking good there for a while but great fucking job manning up for you, your wife, but especially your kids.

Handled that like a boss. Hope things continue to work out for you.

shareSave [deleted]22 points · 4 years ago

It doesn't count, you were on a break.

shareSave [deleted]24 points · 4 years ago

WE WERE ON A BREEEAAAAAAK!

shareSave aybc123 8 points · 4 years ago

I dont think I could do this but I respect you for being able to

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[deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

This is a great story but from what I can tell it looks like you and your SO have very strong and open personalities. You guys seem ripe to act and not big on mind games. This does not seem like the same situation.

shareSave SarB4r3 3 points · 4 years ago

Thank you for this!!

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[deleted]13 points · 4 years ago

What to do?

You've spent 6 years with her already. Don't waste any more time.

This isn't a TIFU. It's a "TITMLA" (today I turned my life around).

shareSave gazork_chumble_spuzz 10 points · 4 years ago

Dude, as it turns out, she does not deserve your trust because she is betraying you with another man behind your back. YOU have not ruined anything. She has . You didn't fuck up. She did. You had reason to want to check up on her - she's been putting up red flags and you were observant enough to notice them. I know you're hurting over this, but you did nothing wrong . She has.

shareSave pertussin 39 points · 4 years ago

She tells me she loves me and that she is happy but she needs more from me.

It's over.

shareSave IseeItsIcey 69 points · 4 years ago

Delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up.

shareSave [deleted]15 points · 4 years ago

Don't forget to join a credit union as well.

shareSave aybc123 12 points · 4 years ago

Make sure you're maxing out your pension contributions too OP.

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ignanobridge 3 points · 4 years ago

Join a reddit union too

shareSave _mike_hunt 23 points · 4 years ago

Delete the gym, hit the lawyer, facebook up.

shareSave SKiscrying 13 points · 4 years ago

that is how you fat

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macaroni_veteran 4 points · 4 years ago

Why do people always suggest the facebook account deletion?

shareSave Smooth_Vapor 8 points · 4 years ago

because it maintains a route of contact to the cheating heart breaker. Only a fool allows himself to step in the same pile of shit twice.

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IseeItsIcey 3 points · 4 years ago

Yo avoid the awkward Facebook relationship stuff and to stop yourself looking at her profile to see if she's dating other people, and just in general Facebook is the devil.

shareSave whoosierdaddy 2 points · 4 years ago

To help remove yourself from the situation mentally, and also so you don't make the mistake of blabbing some details you weren't supposed to on a very visible and permanent public forum.

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skoza 3 points · 4 years ago

The simple advice is usually the best advice

shareSave windingdreams 62 points · 4 years ago

All the apologist comments make me sick.

You had a feeling and it turned out to be true. In a trusting relationship you should of never had that feeling. Now you are feeling trapped and guilty and cut down. She will play the victim role, but nothing will change '.

Start finding a way out. Fuck it. Start flirting and talking to other women. When she calls you out, tell her you saw the other messages and no longer trust her.

Trust is number one. She had breached it, she is capable of having an affair after everything you have been through, and you will never forget this . Don't make your second mistake. Don't lay down and be the bad guy and the victim. Kids, house, whatever, it's not worth being treated like shit for the rest of your life because she is a shitty partner that can't handle getting older and having responsibility.

shareSave TheFNG 29 points · 4 years ago

I concur. I'm tired of reading the same, sugar coated comments saying how OP is a terrible person for "snooping". I hate the word being used in this thread. If OP is in a mutual commitment with a woman, who he exchanged vows with, then what the hell is the issue? I couldn't even imagine checking up on your SO's account being a problem if you're married. There are no secrets in any half-decent marriage. There are no private messages, hidden emails, passwords not known, etc.

As for you OP, it seems like you're almost justifying what she did was okay just because you checked up on her. That isn't the right answer. I'm not gonna reiterate what everyone else on this thread has told you to do, but if I were in the same position, (I have been), I would just calmly express what transpired, then leave and create no contact. Gather evidence to win your case and custody of your kids and let this hag rot for her fidelity. Good luck on whatever actions you take.

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lmac7 7 points · 4 years ago

The way I read your explanation here is: 1. that you saw some things in her online behavior that you realized were peculiar - not simply your imagination or paranoia. 2. You sensed the true nature of this behavior, and you confirmed that you were right by making use of something readily available to you.

And yet, you seem to want to make your actions the problem here. Your partner created the problem and the conditions that led to it. I would give you a total pass here. Your biggest flaw is your apparent intelligence and deep attachment to your partner. How terrible of you, huh?If your SO tries to make you a villain in that scenario, she doesnt give a shit about you. She should be ashamed and full of remorse. That would be an appropriate response for a spouse. Tell her what you found and let her explain what it means. That is the real focus of your story.

shareSave [deleted]5 points · 4 years ago

Yes, it was wrong to break into her account.

However, that is a separate issue from what you found there. You now know that she is unfaithful and it is over.

Apologizing for breaking into her account is a waste of time.

Pack your bags. You're finished. Just tell her you wish her luck with her FB buddy, and it's over.

BTW, even though most will say it is "wrong", when she started the odd behavior, you had probable cause to execute a search warrant, imo. I would have done the same. I would have found the same. You already knew. You just have proof now.

Lawyer up. Delete FB. Hit the gym. Tell her its over.

You will not want to do this. But you would be wrong to try to fix things. This kind of person will never stop. NEVER.

Your marriage was based on romance, and she expects you to make her happy. Marriage is not about being happy. Marriage is about building a life together. That does not usually result in happiness so much as job satisfaction with a little bit of happiness thrown in. She is still immature and wants to be romanced. She is not ready for marriage.

Source: Over 50, been married a quarter of a century, been through some serious, serious shit and have seen more than I have been through. This is the only solution.

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RisetteVI 23 points · 4 years ago

Honestly, I don't think you were in the wrong. My husband and I have complete trust in each other. After we got engaged my original maid of honor sent him nudes because she was lonely and was asking him a lot of dirty questions. He flat out told me what happened and that he was attracted to her but he told her it could never happen again. He knows all my login info and I know all of his. If he snooped on my social media I wouldn't care. I wouldn't consider it a breech of trust because I simply don't have anything to hide. Your wife would probably feel the same way if she wasn't hiding something.

shareSave SKiscrying 3 points · 4 years ago

TIL I'm the only person in the universe that doesn't give a fuck about my partner's passwords

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[deleted]5 points · 4 years ago

it will have to come out eventually. everything will. Let it ALL come out.

shareSave Knasty_Knate 4 points · 4 years ago

Had you not found something then you'd be the asshole but you did so she is now the asshole. Wonder what those pics were?

Had the EXACT same thing happen to me, pics & all. Don't let it slide or it will keep happening.

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gehnrahl 4 points · 4 years ago

You should be filled with righteous fury. You've been cheated on. The woman you married and (possibly) had children with is thinking about choking down some dick while stringing you along. You are the safety net now; she doesn't give a flying fuck about you. She's looking for her exit and as soon as she's comfortable she'll be out; with your kids and with your things.

Burn it to the ground. You need to see this for how it is; betrayal most foul. Get the jump on her; don't let her use you. There are numerous threads of advice on what you can do as a man to protect yourself in this divorce. Look them up, do it now.

Don't confront her about her cheating. Don't say shit. Just protect yourself and get out. Show her how it feels for the world to drop out from underneath her when she's served papers.

shareSave traugdor 5 points · 4 years ago

My advice: Record everything...message, pictures sent, everything you have on her. Print it out, write it down, take screen captures, take pictures with your cell phone.

Then confront her. Ask her who the guy is. If she denies his existence, show her the evidence and and ask her again who the guy is. If she says he's just some friend, then ask why the flirtatious messages, in private, behind your back.

No matter what she says, if you can prove that she's lying to you about anything, slam her ass with a divorce and never stop telling people about how big a lying cheat she is. No person has any business hiding flirtatious messages from his/her SO.

shareSave [deleted]32 points · 4 years ago

Here's what will happen you will confront her and I know how she responds.

  1. How dare you log into my Facebook, thats so wrong!!! how dare you do that blah blah. You don't trust me you are horrible blah blah.

  2. You don't give me any attention blah blah we don't go out anymore life isn't a fairytale blah blah.

  3. She will bring up some of your faults and throw it in your face and turn you into the bad guy while she is the helpless victim.

Not saying you aren't at fault in anyway but your suspicions proved to be correct so whether or not checking her private information was the right thing to do her devious behaviour outshines this and proves you had reason to check. Cheating (potentially) is far worse than snooping.

You're supporting her and your family which should cut you some slack and she needs to be more supportive of you. Haven't read the comments but you aren't the bad guy here. Hopefully this is something minor and you can rectify things but be cautious moving forward.

shareSave Comment deleted 4 years ago (34 children) frothissumbitchaway Original Poster 10 points · 4 years ago

If I hadn't found anything, would I still be in the right? That's what I'm struggling with.

shareSave 3rdweal 72 points · 4 years ago Gilded 1 · edited 4 years ago

This is the saddest thing in the whole thread, that you seem to love her so much you've convinced yourself that you are the bad guy in this situation when it is clear the reverse is true.

Edit: What a tragic way to receive gold, thank you kind stranger.

shareSave wyshy 17 points · 4 years ago

Fucking yes. He is searching for a logical explanation that will lead to a good end to this story.

But in the end this relationship will be doomed.

Source: been there, done that.

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Miliean 10 points · 4 years ago

Last year I found out my wife was cheating via a privacy violation not unlike what you did. I've struggled with that a lot, and what I've come up with is this. If I point a gun at someone, and pull the trigger, does it matter if the gun misfires or am I a murderer because of my actions.

Being "wrong" is not a zero sum game. You being wrong does not take away from what she is doing. I snooped, and that was wrong regardless of what I found. She sucked another guys dick, and that was wrong, more wrong then what I did.

I'm certainly not saying this is ideal for all relationships, and it's possible she can still have some communication I'm unaware of, but we just never really gave thought to secrets and privacy and that kind of stuff.

shareSave [deleted]7 points · 4 years ago

Ask yourself this: If you are in a committed, loving, relationship with children, should it in any way be disallowed to log in to your wife's facebook account? You have children together, you are married and vowed to each other. For many years. You share a home, bank accounts, and then some. Why would it be so wrong for you to access any account of your wife's ( or vice versa )? You shouldn't have ANYTHING to hide from each other in the first place. Of course being paranoid 24/7 and keeping an active eye on her would be wrong. But you saw something that worried you, so you went on there to clear your head. There should be nothing wrong with that, and there isn't. If she takes any offense in you doing something as little as logging into her facebook account, the only offense she is taking is that she is caught having an emotional affair.

If my girl told some other guy, on facebook, that she wanted to "run to them", I would end the whole relationship right there. No more trust. Take it to court to get custody of the kids one way or another. Fuck that bitch. No matter the love.

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BerserkRonin 3 points · 4 years ago

Hey man, I haven't read all the responses yet, but don't listen to most of them. That guy that wrote that big paragraph said a lot of good stuff, but when other people are telling you to dump her or leave, some might not realize its not that simple.

The main thing you need to do is keep who you are as a person, don't let this change you to a point where you aren't the same guy anymore. Were you in the wrong for checking her fb? Yes. Was it something that drastic? No. You're only a human, humans get suspicious, they get jealous, they get self conscious. She's led you to a path where the only thing for you to do is wonder and wonder, and the way you describe your relationship, seems like it's gotten harder for you to communicate with her. So you only did what everyone would do and checked her fb. You should take time to think to yourself, you can't beat yourself up for not trusting her, you had a gut feeling that she was doing stuff behind your back and you were right. Try to breathe. A lot of people over look it, just breathe slowly and relax, think to yourself, then confront her on who he is and how long whatever they had was going on, and also WHAT they had.

And to answer your original question, yes you'd be in the right. As I stated, you're human, there is only so much you can take before you check. The points you gave about what she did to make you check her fb are all reasons to check it, so don't stress whether you're right or wrong, because you're right. Just try to settle it between you two after you have thought about it.

I don't think you should split because you have children, and that you've been together a couple years. But everyone is different, when my gf cheated on me, she came back to me and I couldn't except it. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. If you can overlook this, make sure she knows how hard it was for you to overlook it, so if she does it again she knows she might not get a second chance. Now I'm guessing you would give her a second chance of course, but she needs to know the serious affect it has on you. Make sure to tell her its not just her sending pics, but the way the messages played out, hes asking her to come to him and she says she wishes should could, make sure she knows she emotionally and physically cheated.

If her reaction is negative and not apologetic, where she's angry even after you've explained this, and she doesn't feel sorry or show real sympathy, try not to expect the best. Usually when this happens, if you try to be nice to her, she'll walk all over you, so DONT start to say sorry or be apologetic. Just imagine if the sides were flipped, if you sent pics out and flirted with a girl, and also all the stuff about not having sex and etc. and she logged in on your fb to see. You're human and you get suspicious and self conscious, what you did is justified and fair by all means. ESPECIALLY if she didn't even tell you about it.

Keep calm, breathe, and think about it. Breathing is important, take deep breathes and exhale, it calms you down so you can think more clear and just be more level headed. Throwing the relationship on this isn't the best move, just because you're not the only person in the relationship. She could be going through stuff as well and needs affection, now I'm not saying what she did was justified at all, but try to talk to her about it, see if anything made her do it.

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emywox 8 points · 4 years ago

fuck her kick her ass out and dont look back.

shareSave dontsuckbeawesome 9 points · 4 years ago

SAY NOTHING. Do not tell her a word. Get a very good divorce lawyer, obey the lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and ambush your soon-to-be-ex.

shareSave ShaneSpeaks 9 points · 4 years ago

^ This.

Do it before she does it. Get an upper hand and protect yourself AND your assets. If not, she'll take you for everything you have. Explain your situation to a lawyer (A GOOD lawyer) and let them give you a guideline of what you need to do next.

I am terribly sorry for what you're going through - I've been through it myself and I know it's like a hole has been drilled through your chest. However, you need to see that she's lost faith. It's time to save what's left of your life and leave her behind. You deserve better.

shareSave Vault_tech 3 points · 4 years ago

Move on. She has.

shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

Print evidence for divorce court.

It probably won't do you much good, if she is unaware of her legal rights, you can use it to intimidate her.

shareSave asianbananacat 5 points · 4 years ago

Shes a waste of air. Get rid of that thing.

shareSave Downing96 24 points · 4 years ago

OP get out. She was the asshat here not you. This happened to a good friend of mine while he was deployed. Its a load of garbage from the way it sounds you work hard to support her and the kids. If she cant appreciate that and stay away from other men kick her to the curb bud. All this is just my opinion so do what you feel needs to be done about this.

shareSave Comment deleted 4 years ago (5 children) ohlookahipster 9 points · 4 years ago

This thread hits home for me so hard.

I was in the exact same situation as OP, minus the whole married bit.

As it turns out, exposing a crime is a greater crime than the crime itself. I've become a bastard of sorts, borderline social pariah because I snooped once and discovered her second life with another guy. Her and her friends argued that breaching her trust was worse than fucking another guy because "she picked you in the end."

I don't understand why people defend her.

I know that feel OP.

shareSave [deleted]6 points · 4 years ago

If her and her friends argued that, they are batshit crazy and you are better off without any of them. Seriously.

shareSave SKiscrying 2 points · 4 years ago

exposing a crime is a greater crime than the crime

Cheating on your partner isn't illegal it's just a dick thing to do

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numbers328 10 points · 4 years ago

You got used bro. She rode your money to the bank and found someone that gets her off. Get a lawyer, she will be leaving you soon.

shareSave kotabear2121 9 points · 4 years ago

You didn't fuck up OP.

shareSave copper_chicken 12 points · 4 years ago

If one person is sneaking, the other is more than justified to be snooping. Sneaking begins where honesty ends. When the signs are there, the detective work needs to begin.

Source: been through it. I snooped, found hidden texts and calls. And if things seem suspicious, I'll damn sure snoop again.

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shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

At least you found this at a point where you can deal with it. You clearly still love her, and she hasn't left you for some reason right?

shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

This is only the beginning. It will only get worse. Unless you two really love each other and really want it to work out. Like she really has to want you. Otherwise it just sounds like she wants something different.

It may not be right to check on her but it ain't wrong either if you have suspicion that was confirmed.

You may not have found much because maybe it's early on. Wait longer and you'll only find worse. So talk to her now.

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twatymcfucknugget 3 points · 4 years ago

This hurts just to read. Im so sorry you had to find out that way man. I remember i had a gf once who dated me for like 6 months before one day she started talking about some austrailian guy 24/7. She even called him adorable and funny at one point. (I should have broken up with her at that moment). One thing led to another and she broke up with me for him im assuming. I feel your pain brother

shareSave theeberk 3 points · 4 years ago

She emotionally cheated on you - FDB

shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago · edited 4 years ago

You are a massive pussy and you're letting your significant other walk all over you. Get your shit together and stop being some pathetic self deprecating whipping boy. Harsh words, but true. Your fucking wife is cheating on you, man. Divorce her and find someone who will reciprocate what you're putting into the relationship. Get copies of the facebook stuff before you go to court though, because I've seen this situation a hundred times. Your wife is going to try to destroy you during the divorce and take any and everything she can from you because she's selfish. She lacks the ability to empathize; something very apparent given what you said about her overly dramatic year of engagement you mention at the beginning of your story.

It may not seem like it because you're seemingly the type of person to let people keep taking and taking from you until there's nothing left, but you are far better off out of that relationship. And be more careful next time. If a man chooses the wrong wife, then the courts are traditionally not on your side, even if your wife is blatantly in the wrong. Someone like your wife, who jumps between men and gets extremely attached so quickly only to leave it at the drop of a hat, is not a good match for a considerate person such as yourself. It's upsetting that you set your standards so low. Think more of yourself. You deserve better, & you shouldn't let yourself get so emotionally attached to people like her. Have your fun, just don't get attached and get married to someone who doesn't truly care about you.

shareSave FriendlyDespot 3 points · 4 years ago

Listen here, OP: From the post and the comments you've made, you're clearly extremely upset with yourself for having snooped. Before you make yourself out to be the bad guy, you need to understand what made you snoop. It was your wife, her behaviour, her lies, and her emotional infidelity. She brought you to a point where what she did to you mentally made you have to abandon your principles. It doesn't even matter what you found at that point, it's already entirely too fucked up. That you did actually find exactly what you thought you might find is just salt in the wound. She put you in an impossible situation so that she could keep cheating on you emotionally.

You're obviously trying to find fault with yourself here, but does it really matter? If she did something this terrible to you, is the situation somehow redeemed if you figure out that you did something equally terrible to her? Do you really want a relationship built on an equitable share of abhorrent behaviour? Get out while you can, dude. Whether for your own sake, or for the sake of both of you.

shareSave silenttreatment123 3 points · 4 years ago

I logged into my wife of ten years email account just once. Just once was all it took for me to find the naked pictures she was sending to guys.

Check out /r/Divorce it's a good resource with good people.

shareSave NOT_ah_BOT 3 points · 4 years ago · edited 4 years ago

Dude if she's "window shopping" like this, its time for a talk. She's gunna get pissed that you logged onto her FB but you did find something so dont let turn that against you. You had cause and now reason. You did nothing wrong, once you guys got married, you guys share everything.

Or you can go the sly route, ask her to log into her facebook, because you want to see something, and if she starts getting defensive, then she really has something to hide and you need to GTFO. Cheaters dont stop cheating.

shareSave Biochemistryguy 3 points · 4 years ago

You should just be honest and say what you did and what you saw. She will likely try to deflect and redirect to how you have wronged her, don't let her lose sight of the fact that had you not suspected something then you wouldn't have looked, and when you looked it only validated your concerns. Those messages you saw indicate there is already something going on. "Run away to me" isn't something someone says when they just started to notice you, they already have a relationship I suspect. I don't mean to seem cold hearted but screen shot her messages, make record of what you can, Clean out joint accounts, etc. and do what people suggested, lawyer, gym, move on, because she already did.

shareSave did_it_right 3 points · 4 years ago

The real question here is what do you want? Do you love her? Do you want to loose her (whether it be divorce or another guy)? You need to figure out what YOU want. Do you trust her? No, of course not. Trust takes years to gain and seconds to destroy. I can assure you, it will take years of hardwork (on both of your parts) to regain trust.

You sound like a guy who is doing the very best he can with what he has to work with and before the facebook login, already sounded extremely lost in your relationship. Your wife has vocalized the fact that she is unhappy, and it sounds like you are unsure of what to do or how to begin to fix it.

Next you need to ask yourself, the hard question. What is it your wife wants? Do you really believe that she wants to run away with this guy or do you think that she is entertained with the idea that somebody wants to sweep her off of her feet? My bet is the 2nd one.

Okay, now it is reality check time for your wife. Print out the romantic exchanges. Go down to the courthourse and fill out the paper-work to file for a separation/divorce. (I am not sure what your state requires but whatever would initiate the process of divorce) do not submit it but fill it out. Wait for you wife to come home and present her with both. Now it is time to have the long hard conversation.

I realize that there are two sides to every story and I am under no illusion that you probably did a stellar job of distancing yourself from her. In fact, you even said it yourself. So while she is entertaining the idea of cheating on you, you have no evidence that this has gone beyond flirtatious exchanges. (Which is far enough)

You both need to wake up and realize that marriage is not easy. She wants the fairy tale romantic love story and you want to provide her with that, eventually. You both need to wake up and realize, it's not going to happen for either of you. Your wife is flirting with this other guy because she thinks that he is going to provide her with the kind of relationship that she longs for, the ones she has read about and watched in movies. She needs to wake up and realize, it is not going to happen for her. I am not trying to be rude or pessimistic but the are movies and stories for a reason. They are extrordinary circumstances that brought those couples together in times of hardship.....THAT is what the basis of a love story is. If she is not satisfied with the on-going love story between the two of you. She is going to be extremely disapointed with what the next guy cannot offer her as well. She needs to wake up, she needs to get her head out of the clouds, and you need to bring her back down to earth.

As for you, stop promising her things you are unable to provide for her right now. "I tried to tell her things would change. That we wouldn't always make love on the 18th green of the local golf course. That a time would come where we wouldn't stay up every night until 3:00 am talking about everything, and nothing"

Guess what, this is your situation, this is what you have to offer right now. "One day" is not here today, you have today. You both need to be okay with the 3am conversations, the love making on the golf course, ect. This is the reality of your situation, This is what you have to offer her here and now. You need to be okay with that. Can you step up your game for her a bit? Absolutley! Do it! But do not make her promises about a future that you, yourself are unsure of. Instead, promise her this: You will work your hands to the bone to provide for she and your family, you will make sure that they stay safe and warm. You will make sure that each one of them knows they are loved every single day. And you will make time for each and every single one of them. Then you need to make good on your promise.

shareSave symbion-pandora 3 points · 4 years ago

DUDE "send me more pics"....are u fucking kidding me?!? U feel you did something wrong?

shareSave sergio9leal 3 points · 4 years ago

All in all you had a right to check. The moment you bring it up she would have deleted all evidence of that conversation before you could look at it. Thus making you look insecure and prying on her privacy. What you needed was proof. Theres nothing wrong with going with your gut feeling.

shareSave ZachMartin 3 points · 4 years ago

A lot of this advice is disturbing, with the assumption that things are over between you two. I don't think anyone is capable of saying that. I'd ask yourself if she hypothetically actually fucked the guy, how would you feel? Would you bear part of the responsibility of this? If so, what could you have done differently? Been more supportive? Made time for her on weekends? If the answer is you still want to be with her despite her having a dalliance (hypothetical), and that you think there are things you could have done differently, then simply do those things starting right now.

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ZohanDvir 3 points · 4 years ago

Am I the only one who would use the benefit of having this guy's picture and credentials through Facebook and track him down and beat the crap out of him? Unwritten bro code: Another man's wife is off limits, no?

shareSave [deleted]2 points · 4 years ago · edited 4 years ago

I'd track him down, then provoke him into fighting. Then I'd let him beat me up.

Then I'd call my lawyer, tell him the whole story, say I went to talk it out but he attacked me. I would have already screenshotted her Facebook

Then I'd press assault charges against him, ruin his life, ruin her life with a one sided divorce, and maybe make her homeless.

But I dunno. In reality I'd probably just move to the arctic

shareSave Dysentery__Gary 2 points · 4 years ago

This is so devious. I love it.

shareSave LlamaTheBountyHunter 3 points · 4 years ago

If I were you, I'd find that guy and break his legs...

shareSave bricky08 3 points · 4 years ago

Finding out the truth or gaining information shouldn't be a fuckup.

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Coomb 87 points · 4 years ago

You lost trust in her, but apparently it was with good reason. You've both fucked up; you violated her trust by checking up on her surreptitiously and she violated your trust by cheating on you, emotionally if not physically (although it sounds like it's already progressed at least to explicit photographs).

You need to sit down with your wife, tell her what you did, and what you learned, and have a serious discussion with her about whether the marriage can continue after you BOTH seriously breached each other's trust.

shareSave gazork_chumble_spuzz 39 points · 4 years ago

The person who is cheating does not get to whine about how their spouse "violated my trust!!!" by checking their FB or email. That's b.s. He was right to snoop; there were a lot of red flags. If this thing was innocent she would've told him about it.

shareSave frothissumbitchaway Original Poster 63 points · 4 years ago

Thank you.

I should also add that there is an option that shows the "shared photos." None of them were explicit. Only fully clothed selfies and a picture of her and my son.

shareSave desdemonata 14 points · 4 years ago

Hang on, didn't this guy say "SEND me more photos"? That doesn't imply "UPLOAD more photos to FB for everyone to see" that says to me that she sent him photos privately.

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quickstop_rstvideo 24 points · 4 years ago

Ignore OP please! You had good reason and deserve to know if she is cheating on you. STDs would be a big reason

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Ocora 26 points · 4 years ago

I'm just really fucking happy that someone, more than one person, has labeled this as cheating. I don't watch dr. Phil, but I like his quote. "Cheating is anything you do behind your spouse's back that you wouldn't do in front of them."

shareSave Shin-LaC 11 points · 4 years ago

Buying an engagement ring is cheating.

shareSave SixFootJockey 21 points · 4 years ago

Giving your spouse a back massage is cheating.

shareSave Smooth_Vapor 11 points · 4 years ago

pooping is cheating

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[deleted]203 points · 4 years ago

"he violated her trust"

Shut the fuck up you sorry sack of shit.

shareSave IntheLAND 22 points · 4 years ago

This guy! Claps

shareSave Perk456 3 points · 4 years ago

Haha yeah! Wait who's side am I on?

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B5coat 5 points · 4 years ago

I don't see how people don't realize social media is a fucking black hole that fucks peoples relationships up. May everyone's lives be as amazing as they portray it on facecebook Instagram etc. wait for it...... It's not.

shareSave PaperbagRider 2 points · 4 years ago

It's caused so many misconceptions with so many people that I know, I've finally just told everyone, "Look... don't form any opinions based on Facebook. Facebook doesn't tell you tone of voice. Facebook doesn't tell you why I post certain things."

Thinking you can know what's going on through Facebook is pretty much like looking at a movie poster and thinking you'll know what the movie is like.

edit: words

shareSave [deleted]42 points · 4 years ago

No way.. If roles were reversed the the girl would say it was right to check up on your account and find you cheating. How can this person above make this statement saying you were wrong? marriage takes work, and you've done the work it sounds like. she seems like a loose cannon and doesn't know what she wants. you haven't been walking the line of being unfaithful, she has.

shareSave Vicksdog11 6 points · 4 years ago

We are only hearing OPs side.

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[deleted]8 points · 4 years ago

See, this is the problem with marriages today, there is such rampant idealism that teaches people that they must have flawless monogamy and no breaches of any kind, or there is an instant divorce kiosk waiting just over there. It puts the damper on

Your first reaction is talking about whether the marriage can continue. It's like bringing a gun to an amicable negotiation.

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EdvardXiu 8 points · 4 years ago

The log in was not the breach of trust. The inappropriate messages were the breach of trust.

shareSave AutoBiological 4 points · 4 years ago

It was a little breach of trust to log in. But I think it pales in comparison to sending somebody else pictures. It could be innocent but it probably won't always be.

It sounds like she's not putting in time to the relationship. She doesn't have income and the husband helped put her through LPN, which, unless it's a very small town, shouldn't be that difficult to find something.

shareSave DancingCarrotCake 11 points · 4 years ago

Yeah, gonna go with a breach in trust by you checking her facebook profile vs. a breach in trust by her sweet talking with another man...

Take two seconds to lift her off of that pedestal you have her on. She's the one clearly at fault. If she tries to turn it around on you, you don't need to argue with her.

Just laugh at her, and walk away.

shareSave spankthepunkpink 5 points · 4 years ago

I read my partner of 7 years diary for the same reason and found out she was fucking my best friend.

I asked her straight up if she was fucking him and she denied it. I was pretty damn sure she was and I just wanted to break up with her and be done with it but every time I brought it up I was being an asshole. I felt bad doing it but she was going to continue to fuck both of us and I wanted out so I'm happy with my actions.

Good luck getting through this mate :-)

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Wicked81 5 points · 4 years ago

Communication is THE most important thing in any relationship. Talk to her. Confess how you "snooped" and what you found. Then work on rebuilding your relationship. She could be feeling lonely and "lesser" than you because she has her degree, yet can't find work. It truly may be nothing more than harmless flirting. Good luck and I'd love an update, if possible.

shareSave i_pk_pjers_i 2 points · 4 years ago

The fact that she said "I wish I could run away with you" sounds like it might be done to me.

shareSave -Cubes- 6 points · 4 years ago

It's not your fault - what about your dreams and aspirations? You've sacrificed everything to fulfill her career dreams, but you are rewarded with infidelity? If anything is your fault, it is allowing the disconnect, but I don't see you pursuing another love interest. Try to get couple's therapy, but be ready to let it go, knowing that you are the victim here.

shareSave LimeWan 2 points · 4 years ago

I don't understand why she would even do that on an account that she knows you have access to.

First time reading, I read past the 'having two kids' part, which definitely changes things.

Personally, I can't stand for anyone like that. Therapy can only do so much, and in terms of couples therapy, I don't think it does much at all. This is just how she is; you even told us she left you for a year.

Ideally, I wouldn't have moved any further after that engagement thing. Things happen for a reason. Obviously she is missing something with you.

I say if you really want to try and save the relationship, do so for the sake of the kids. Not her.

My last words on the matter? Spice up your sex life.

Stick some jalepenos up her vag.

shareSave 124GP 2 points · 4 years ago

She took advantage of your trust. She took you for granted. Fully clothed selifie or not, once it started, where does it end ?

shareSave explorationofthought 2 points · 4 years ago

This may Seem strange, but how is this your fault at all? I can't understand why you think you are at fault. Sure you did something you now regret, but you only regret it because there was something found, and you now have to confront. I honestly thought like you did a long time ago. People change, become more adult, have less time to spend with their significant other, but that means you need to make the conversations or the valuable time you have, have more impact. The only chicken-shit thing you've done here is not approach her about this. Remember SHE chose her action, and the fact that you are the sole "BREADWINNER" means the amount of clout in your relationship is meaningful. How can she respect you if you are posting on /r/TIFU saying that you have evidence that she sent another man pictures of herself? Respect yourself man. You are better than this. I bet you're a fantastic Dad, a compassionate human being, and very understanding, but at some point you need to realize you're not a doormat. You have worth life is WAY TOO SHORT to deal with the fickle, ignorant, pathetic, cheating, or people who don't want to better themselves.

Also Don't you dare say sorry, don't even apologize. You may regret how your actions have effected others, but you shouldn't regret your actions. You had a feeling, and if you felt comfortable enough you would have asked your wife, but you would rather have evidence then bring up something that might be insignificant. Best of luck mate.

I hope to See you on the other side of this with a big ass Grin and a happy relationship.

shareSave [deleted]2 points · 4 years ago

Dude, its over. You know its over. You had reason to suspect so you investigated. You now have to live with your findings. Man up and call her on it. Then wish her well with the "run away to me" douchebag and move on with your life.

shareSave [deleted]2 points · 4 years ago

Kick the bitch to the curb.

shareSave ryanjj863 2 points · 4 years ago

This, right here, is why you never, ever, get back with someone. Any reason you had to break up will always repeat itself. He said MORE pics, that's enough to know things are going wrong. You didn't fuck up, she did. Kick her to the curb and find a girl worth your love. You bring the income, you helped her to nursery school and she didn't even use it for a job, you've given her everything, and she wants more? Fuck her. Leave, not because she's a bitch, but because you deserve someone better.

shareSave loghead11 2 points · 4 years ago

You didn't fuck up. You just got access to a source of information that your wife doesn't know you have via a less than ethical means. You trusted your gut, and you were right.

Let me describe how the Allies dealt with this in World War II. The Allies could effectively read all German and Japanese cipher traffic. They sometimes had to pretend that they didn't have access to this wonderful source of information that basically won them the war. Every so often though they sent up an observation plane to fly over the enemy sector to give a plausible reason for them to have the information. You need to start getting your 'observation plane' or private investigator ready to go.

First thing, your relationship is all over apart from the crying. You just scored a windfall by finding that information out early. People 'move on' when they can do better, but more often when they already have. Start figuring out how you can limit your wife's ability to fuck you over. Figure out what your states divorce laws are set up. You can bet she's already gone over this in full and knows exactly how to screw with your wallet and your ability to see your kids. Some states are allow infidelity to take a role in divorce proceedings. Figure out the law now. Take time off work if you can. This is your job now.

shareSave Pussykill1999 2 points · 4 years ago

It's not your fault. It's hers. She is leeching off you right now and you had reason to believe she was having an affair. Don't feel bad about it and just screenshot that shit and kick her out.

shareSave feelinggoodlouis 2 points · 4 years ago

Don't let yourself be convinced that this is an issue of trust. This is simply the wrong relationship for you and for her. People bend over backwards to save relationships like this. The reason is fear, not love, or connection or strength. You will find someone with whom you will never have the urge to snoop because you know they would never cheat. Life is long, find that person.

shareSave notmyrealusertag 2 points · 4 years ago

Admit your wrongdoing and get this conversation in the open. Yes, She will call you out on as many things as she can come up with to distract you from the topic @ hand. Yes, She will be pissed. Yes, You will have some sleepless nights, and rough days ahead. Yes, The current relationship will change. NO! Ignoring it will not make it go away. NO! Your trust for her will not be what it once was. Yes, You will make it through this with much communication and heartfelt honesty. Yes, Your new relationship will ultimately be stronger, after some years.

SOURCE? You may ask? BTDT And I did intentionally ignore the behaviors, actions, late night bedtimes, if came to bed at all, and it got very bad before I spoke up. I made a decision to not quit on her if she did not quit on me. We fought for months off and on. Now, years later what we had is gone, the innocent offered relationship trust we give to a spouse in the beginning of a relationship is dead, but what we have together now is much more pure and open. Stronger. Honest. Real. Lasting.

Edited: For grammar.

shareSave JohnBoyAndBilly 2 points · 4 years ago

Horse shit dude. She's married, but off overly-flirting online with some guy. Fuck all that.

shareSave funran 2 points · 4 years ago

How is this your fault? Just because you found out in a shady way does not mean that you're the one to blame here. You need to either confront her or lawyer up.

shareSave bigscrimps 2 points · 4 years ago

Put divorce papers in front of her, completely filled out. When she asks questions, tell her to ask her boyfriend. Walk away and ignore anything she has to say.

shareSave tenXten 2 points · 4 years ago

trust your gut. i had a girlfriend that would go "hang out" with her male friends. (Almost dating style hanging out) Most of whom I didn't get introduced to. When I would ask, she'd turn it around onto me. It took some actions on my behalf--similar to yours--to make the decision to drop her.

i'm much happier now. No one deserves to feel badly by the person you love. NO ONE.

Those aren't messages that a spouse should send to a third party. I think it's time to bail, man.

shareSave frothissumbitchaway Original Poster 2 points · 4 years ago

Thanks to everyone who has commented and pm'ed me. I will be sitting down with her tonight and seeing what happens. I'll update tomorrow.

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IamVMSmith 2 points · 4 years ago

Do actually look into a lawyer. You don't want to be blindsided if she decides to run away with this guy. I know how this feels and wishe you the best but remember: you're not the one really at fault here, she also breached your trust.

shareSave Ozyman_Dias 2 points · 4 years ago

Log in again, send him a pic (as requested) of you holding a gun.

shareSave Comradecoats 2 points · 4 years ago

Hit the gym and get rid of her.

shareSave [deleted]2 points · 4 years ago

Screenshot conversations. Close your bank account, open a new one. Get a lawyer. Ask her if she's happy. If she says yes, ask her if she's happy with "us". If she pauses even for a second, ask her if she's cheating, or thinking about it. If she lies, log in to her Facebook and show her, and say goodbye.

shareSave tevagu 2 points · 4 years ago

Leave her...

shareSave jwilkins93 2 points · 4 years ago

If she is carrying on an "emotional affair" with another guy then you are right things will never be the same but the blame does not rest solely on your shoulders. Yes you should trust your wife but she also should trust you and work with you when things get tough instead of turning to some other dude on facebook to get emotional support. I am sorry dude sounds like things are messed up but do not put all the blame on yourself it sounds like you did all you could but she didn't make any effort to repair things when they got rough.

shareSave [deleted]2 points · 4 years ago

You didn't fuck up, she did. Screenshot the conversations for the lawyer and custody battle.

shareSave Mesahusa 2 points · 4 years ago

Butwhataboutthechildren

shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

D word time..or work it out? I wouldn't. I'd be too stubborn. Hang in there. Seems like you deserve better

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rockberry 3 points · 4 years ago

It's over.

shareSave arcainic 3 points · 4 years ago

That's not her "realized she wouldn't be happy unless she spent her life with" you, that's her not finding anyone better during that year.

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omiclix 3 points · 4 years ago

She fucked up, and you did not. It's a good thing you found about this now instead of later; now you have the upper hand.

shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

OP, once you lose trust it's over. Honestly your wife shouldn't even be replying to that doucher.

To me, her sending pics and the "<3" is cheating, and that's grounds for letting the door hit her where the good lord split her! Good luck with everything bro! I'm pulling for you.

shareSave JesusListensToSlayer 2 points · 4 years ago

I think, OP, this is sort of a precarious point in your relationship. Although it's certainly a breach of trust, I truly believe many of us would have done the same thing. People who are telling you that it's already over are simplistic and reactionary. This could be the beginning of the end, or it could be an errant expression of discontent and desire to feel desired or whatnot. I've known people who've tested the waters this way, but recognized it as a mistake and let it go. I've people go to the dark side too.

I'm going to risk a guess that the commentors telling you it's over are mostly men. I'm not surprised, and full disclosure, I'm a female. Based on my personal experience, situations that begin this way, are more likely to end in cheating if it's a man who is emotionally bonding elsewhere. I've known quite a few women who have only dabbled and then thought better of it. The men often had the attitude that if they were suddenly inclined towards someone new, it's inevitable.

I can't tell you why it's skewed that way in my little world of partnered friends, but that's the only empirical data I have to go on. But it would explain why men seem to think it's a lost cause, because if it were them it would be.

I strongly recommend telling her what you found and going from there. She'll have a right to be pissed, and so will you, and oh what a simple world it would be if everything was black and white.

shareSave glenninator 3 points · 4 years ago

key word is MORE picks….

shareSave symbion-pandora 3 points · 4 years ago

Dude she's days away from banging that guy. You need to move on. You have a bad apple. Jobless wife flirting with other guys while your dick inverts....come on man grow a pair.

shareSave mythrowawayresponse 5 points · 4 years ago

You need to start making your exit strategy. the clock is ticking. You'll have to take your losses and deal with the pain but in the end you will be happier than you ever have been. Right now you are just dealing with the filtered idea of what you think happiness is. Your world has dimmed and you both have settled. Man up and move on.

shareSave [deleted]3 points · 4 years ago

Alright, let me break it down for you pansies, and especially for you frothissumbitchaway.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH CHECKING YOU SO'S STUFF!

Email, text messages, Facebook, bank accounts, whatever! You are in a open and committed relationship, there is NOTHING off limits. NOTHING!!!!!

Don't beat yourself up that you looked! Its not a sign of lack of trust.

You've heard the argument about the NSA looking at your stuff. And people say "If you've got nothing to hide, what are you worried about" Well the NSA shit is bullshit, because you're not in relationship with them.

But with your wife, it doesn't matter if she has something to hide or not, its yours to look at anytime you want. Ya she could throw out the "If you trust me, what are you worried about" But no, fuck that. Its this closed off, hidden bullshit that is fucking up this country.

I trust my children and don't want to invade their privacy! FUCK YOU! Invade their motherfucking privacy so you KNOW what the fuck is going on.

I trust my spouse so blahh blahhh blahhh! FUCK YOU! Check on them, all the time.

And here's the kicker, let them check on you all the time.

Thats how you KNOW everything is good.

You wouldn't go to a doctor you were not 100% sure was qualified. You sure as hell are going to check if they are licensed. There is no "Well I don't want to offend him bullshit." Same with everyone else every where you go. Is that restaurant certified to run as a restaurant? Is that engineer certified to be an engineer? Is that police officer, lawyer, dentist, vet, whomever certified?

Can you SO be trusted (certified) to be in a relationship? Check that certification regularly and let her/him know you will.

What you did was great, and it led to great results. You should have done it a long long time ago.

Now as for the situation, I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. Fact of the matter is you did nothing wrong. The other fact is that your wife is a bad person. No sugar coating in. You do NOT act like that in a loving relationship.

At this point you can be sure that she's not wanting to be in a relationship with you. I've on occasion spoken out of necessity with my ex's, or with very attractive friends/co-workers that have come on to me, and I have never once even thought to reciprocate.

Get out, you'll children will understand later, even if its difficult now.

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Community Details r/tifu

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WELCOME TO /r/TIFU! Today I Fucked Up is a community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Let us make each other feel better about ourselves. Come and check it out! Why you should join us: It's funny, interesting, cringe-worthy, laugh-causing, smile-inducing, feel-good, ridiculous, humor, humorous, humerus, stupid, cool, awesome, but mostly because it's the best community on reddit.

Subscribe Create Post r/tifu Rules1.All titles must start with TIFU

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Fuck up of the week

3/4/2018 - TIFU by fucking my dads couch |by /u/ifuckedmydadscouch

Previous FUOTW Winners

3/4/2018 - TIFU by fucking my dads couch |by /u/ifuckedmydadscouch

2/25/2018 - TIFU by being too tough for a novacane shot |by /u/danidrew92

2/4/2018 - TIFU by leaving a can of Pepsi in my car and letting curiosity get the best of me |by /u/Steve_Jobs_iGhost

1/28/2018 - TIFU by sitting in the wrong class for an entire month and finding out a day before the first midterm. |by /u/Oldybutanewy

1/21/2018 - TIFU by not asking "new phone who dis?" and am now obligated to go to a concert with a stranger. |by /u/OiRVM

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Method 1: Using Facebook Hack TheTruthSpy

Method 1: Using Facebook Hack TheTruthSpy

All about Facebook hacking tool

In order to hack Facebook, the Facebook hacking tool is most suitable. It is also known as spyware. Hundreds of spyware you can find in your app store or the internet world but the truth spy is best one. All the features, benefits and its services you can find from TheTruthSpy .

The truth spy is set of programs that are developed to perform individual tasks. The complete package includes various programs that are used to collect digital data from memory elements, minimize file size if required, trap parental control, get remote control on phone, and send data to particular destination and much more. These are common programs that you can experience while using it. So, the hacking tool or spyware is best to catch cell phone’s data.

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There is memory element or server where the sent data available. The user can access the server through the website and analyze victim’s Facebook activities. The website is the control panel of hacking tool. You can control victim’s cell phone, spyware and its activities remotely through, the website. You can choose different dashboard options to monitor suspect’s device.

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